


Imagine

by bornobsession



Category: The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue Series - Mackenzi Lee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Fluff, Fluff like tooth rotting fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sleeping Together, just sleeping, mixed with a tiny tiny bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-17 23:38:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17570105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornobsession/pseuds/bornobsession
Summary: What would've happened if Monty had confessed his love upon their arrival in Barcelona.





	Imagine

**Author's Note:**

> This picks up just after Monty and Felicity's heart to heart in the library. (Monty had gone looking for a drink because Percy is too pretty and gorgeous and Monty can't control himself.) Not supposed to change any of the rest of the novel but I just really like the idea of them snuggling in bed :p  
> Find me on tumblr @bornobsession

Felicity stays behind in the library while I retire to my room. Our talk tonight was strangely sobering, despite the swigs of Cognac I had downed trying to drown out Percy’s gorgeous image burned in the back of my brain. A valiant effort, but nevertheless a failed one.

 

Not that there wasn’t already a collection of different Percy’s etched into the backs of my eyelids, but adding a new one of him undressing for bed, glowing in the flickering candlelight, in the same room as me… It felt routine, like people who were actually coupled together had taken up our bodies and played house with them.

 

When I open the door, Percy is already sleeping, curled up on his side, his back almost right up against where the bed meets the wall. His knees are bent and tucked into his body, his hands clutching at the blanket beneath him. It’s been so bloody hot, he hadn’t bothered to unfold the sheets, and I curse under my breath at having one less barrier between our bare skin for the night.

 

Still, I stand there for a moment, just watching. Even now, in his sleep, Percy looks beautiful. It doesn’t help that the moonlight washes over him in a bright white, not quite blinding, but rather contrasting against his dark skin. It flows through the window in waves, as the moon itself weaves in and out of the clouds, each time hitting his skin in the most radiant way. His dark curls splay out behind him, and I can’t help but clench my jaw at how he will never be mine.

 

I crawl into bed beside him and sidle up as close as I can without touching him. From here I can see the smattering of dark freckles upon his cheeks, as if a constellation had been etched into his skin. I get lost tracing them with my eyes. I look further down, his lips plump and slightly parted, a thin trail of drool making its way onto the pillow below. He’s abso-bloody-lutely perfect.

 

If I can’t have him, at least let me pretend. I inch my face closer and closer, until we are practically a kiss apart. I curl my legs up to mirror his and pillow my cheek on top of my hands. My eyes shut as I try to conjure of the feeling of his arms around my waist and his legs tangled with mine. Which isn’t as hard as I thought it would be, considering we have lied like that before. Only I know Percy has never given a second thought about those moments when I give them the weight equal to the world.

 

I make a mental note to not fall asleep, because if Percy wakes to this in the morning, me facing him like this, as if we are lovers who hold each other close, even in sleep because I am his to hold, he will know exactly what it is that I’ve been so carefully hiding from him. And the only thing worse than Percy being oblivious to the heartache he causes me daily, is him knowing I’m absolutely head over heels for him and still not wanting me.

 

So I open my eyes and take one more picture with my mind, storing the image of Percy sleeping away into my ever-growing collection of favorite snapshots and moments with him.

 

Percy is a work of art, framed high up in a museum, something I can only look at but never touch. But I’ve never had a penchant for following rules. I reach out and place a palm against his warm chest, fingers spreading as wide as possible. If this is my only chance to touch him, at least like this, I want as much of him as I can get. I can feel his heartbeat faint against my fingertips, and then I’m trying everything in my power to slow mine down to match his. Which seems quite impossible seeing as my heart is likely to burst out of my chest given how loud and fast it’s pounding.

 

Here in the dead of night, it seems unlikely that any of this will be of any consequence in the morning. I can pretend he is mine until the sun rises, imagining unfathomable scenarios in my head, some of the sexual nature as well if it pleases me, but mostly of Percy and I just _being_.

 

My mind is already running rampant with visions of us lounging around in my yard, grass tickling our feet as we gossip about the town's latest drama. Of me walking him home after, stealing a quick peck before he disappears inside. Of us taking a dive at the lake, but this time I’m allowed to hold his hand and cling to him as he takes me under the cold water. Of times where we wake up just like this, after a night of fun romps, to a morning filled with sweet kisses and warm cuddles. It is, at the same time, equally unimaginable and so imaginable that I could reach a hand out and grasp it if I wanted.

 

But, Percy doesn’t want me, I am reminded of once again. It was me who had to leave the room upon seeing him undress, not the other way around. And it is me who is staying up late, conjuring up silly scenes in my head of us as a couple, not the other way around.

 

_As if he would, over you._

 

I chide myself, gently shaking my head. I have learned over the years that the dreadful voice in my head isn’t really mine, rather a reflection of Father, and a little bit of Mother and the teachers at Eton and the Reverend at the church I’ve refused to attend since I was 16 and all the lads who’ve looked at me like I was the most sinful being on God’s green earth.

 

But it is too late. Because no matter who says this to me, it will still always be true. The tears have already begun leaking out of me no matter how hard I squeeze my eyes shut. It is the slow, soundless kind of crying that isn’t even satisfying; instead, it is the kind of crying that chokes you, that ripples through your body making you feel lightheaded and stuffy in an instant. It’s everything I can do to muffle it in my arm, biting at the fabric of my shirtsleeve.

 

I think of Percy going to Holland after this whole mess is over, and my life running the estate with Father breathing down my neck. I think of never seeing Percy again, how he will go to an asylum and die and how I will go home and die a decidedly much less painful death, but decidedly still so. I’d like to think such a life is so unimaginable, but it is so close to being my reality that it only makes me cry harder.

 

Suddenly there are arms around my waist and legs tangling with mine, which is so in tune with what I had currently so wished to be true that it frightens me. I jerk back, seeing Percy, eyes wide with concern. His hands run through my hair, down to the small of my back where he rubs soothing circles.

 

His voice is gentle when he asks, “Darling, are you all right?”

 

 _No. No, I am not all right and I won’t ever be all right and everything about me will always be wrong_ I do not say. Instead, I manage to blurt out something much, much worse and much more horrifying.

 

“I’m in love with you.”

 

I’m quite furious at myself, not only for saying it at all, but to be bawling my eyes out for the first time I utter these words to him.

 

We both freeze, well I try to, as the sobs are still racking through my body and I can only hide my face in the bedsheet below to muffle the sounds and conceal my shame.

 

“You… what?”

 

“I’m not crying because of that, just so you know.” Which, of course, is only the biggest lie of the century. Well, maybe not the biggest. Just half the truth. The whole truth is that I’m crying because I’m in love with him and he doesn’t love me back, but I can’t imagine a world in which I confess that much of my insecurity to him. I manage a weak laugh through all the tears, though it comes across more like a gurgle of nonsense.

 

Percy is still silent, which is how I know I’ve missed the mark entirely.

 

Why did I even tell him? I didn’t drink _that_ much so I can’t even blame this on a drunken stupor. It just hurt so bad to imagine a life with Percy, because I know that life is so unattainable. I am pining after someone I can’t have. Not ever. And here I am grasping at straws, just the tiniest sliver of hope left that, what? Percy will feel the same way? No, I’ve given up on that dream since Paris. But it’s my own selfish hope he won't go away to Holland after the tour, as if he has any say in that decision. Even if he does not love me like I love him, maybe it will convince him to stay, which is cruel and unfair of me, but in this moment I no longer care.

 

“Don’t worry though, I don’t expect—I’ll get over it—soon—just…nevermind. Forget I said anything.” Oh, how desperately I want a drink, something more than the small sips of Cognac that have already left my system, anything that will help me forget this moment.

 

I begin to pull away, begin to stand and make for the door. Felicity is probably still in the library, but at this point, sleeping on the hallway floor would be more comfortable than this.

 

But Percy grabs at my wrists, tugging me back to bed, anchoring me to him. He tucks his face in the crook of my neck, so I can feel every breath of his against my skin, lighting me into a million tiny fires that all burn for him.

 

“Don’t,” he whispers into my neck, so I feel every movement of his lips against my skin. “Don’t go, you goose.” His voice is so soft, it practically melts me from the inside.

 

“Say it again,” he demands. It startles me, and I falter.

 

“Wh-why?”

 

“Because. I want to hear you say it. I want to make sure...I need to know I’m not imagining things.”

 

That at least draws a wry smile out of me. After years of pining, I had become the master of imagining things.

 

“God, Perce, this is already embarrassing enough.” I make a feeble attempt to withdraw myself from his clutches, but he only holds me tighter in response. I give up with a sigh, letting my arms fall back to the bed. “Please let me go.”

 

“Please, say it again.” And this time, I turn to look him straight in the eye, and that tiny sliver of hope magnifies just the slightest amount.

 

“I…I”m… ” I swallow, and force it out. “I’m in love with you. There, are you happy now?” I go back to fighting his tight embrace, and god since when did he have all this muscle?

 

“Yes.” The sincerity in his voice catches me off guard, and I swear, the world stops for a second.

 

I’m lost and confused because some of this is turning out how I imagined it would in any of my fairytale endings, but those are only fairy tales. My mind is screaming _there’s an obvious answer, it’s been there all along,_ but I don’t dare listen to it. I don’t trust myself that much to cling to useless expectations like that.

 

There’s too much silence in the room and I muster up a lame “What’s happening?” which makes me want to jump out the window and let the earth below engulf my body whole.

 

But looking at Percy’s face I can see the same fear and joy and trepidation that is pulsing through me, and I let a boost of confidence fill me knowing that there’s a possibility. It’s slim but I’ll take it.

 

“Say something!”

 

“Monty why are you telling me this?”

 

“God Percy, why do you think?”

 

“I meant why now?”

 

I shrug as if I know but I don’t want to tell him. “I don’t know. I was thinking it.”

 

“But Paris…you said to stop—”

 

I squawk indignantly. “ _You_ said to stop. Not me”

 

Percy huffs, the frustration clear in the knit of his brows. “I only said to stop because you said it didn’t mean anything.”

 

I cross my arms as best I can lying down sideways and steel myself. “It did mean something to me. It does. I should have said so but I’m a coward and a fool and apparently the best at ruining the only good thing I’ve got in my life.”

 

Percy looks at me from under his eyelashes, adoration and affection pooling out, so sincere it’s startling. He pulls me into his arms and presses a kiss to the crown of my head.

 

My heart nearly bottoms out and _Christ almighty I think I’ve died and gone to heaven._ Which doesn’t make the least bit of sense because we all know I won’t be making it past the pearly gates considering my history.

 

He leans back, brushing my hair out of my face, smiling down at me, his gorgeous dimples appearing, and that twinkle in his eyes when he’s really delighted by something sparkles back at me.

 

_Breathe, Monty breathe._

 

“Why… Monty, since when—” and then as if a harsh realization had struck him sharp right in the chest, he pulls back. “Are you drunk?”

 

That stings. That for my love for him to be so unbelievable that he’d rather think me intoxicated.

 

“No, I swear I’m not.”

 

“I can smell it on your breath.”

 

“It’s from before, it was only a little. I’m not, I swear,” each word getting softer and softer until I’m not sure I’m even talking anymore.

He eyes me like he still doesn’t quite believe me and I can feel myself shrinking back into myself.

 

“It was only a little,” I repeat lamely.

 

Silence fills the space between us. Then, finally, he cracks a smile, nuzzling his nose to mine, so close that we’re breathing the same air.

 

“I trust you.” He grabs at my thigh and I jolt. “I trust you Monty,” he repeats. His hands travel all over my body, before finally coming up to my face, fingertips tracing my jaw, my lips, and all at once, he reaches down and kisses me. It’s nothing like Paris, all frantic and pushy, instead, it feels like coming home.

 

“I love you Monty, I love you, I love you, I’ve loved you since forever, and I don’t think I’m capable of stopping.” He exhales deep, letting the tension out of his shoulders, as if he’s finally able to breathe properly again. “So I need to know,” he stops. Swallows. “I need to know how this serious it is for you. I need—”

 

I place my palms on either side of his face, squeezing his cheeks into an adorable pout.

 

“Percy, I know I’ve been a bit of a rake recently,” he snorts, and I amend, “okay, all my life, and I know I can be selfish and a terrible pain in the arse, but I want to change. For you. I want to be better for you.”

 

He’s looking at me, only looking, and my heart swells a bit more under his gaze. I plow on. “The only thing I’ve ever been sure of in my life is how much I love you.”

 

I’ve never before shared so much of my inner monologue with anyone before, and I’m finding it quite hard to meet his eye. I stare right past his ear, fixated at the wall and the certain lumpy spot of stone that juts out.

 

Percy grabs my face in his hands, voice clear as day. “Monty look at me.”

 

“I’m looking.” And I am. I search his eyes, and I watch as they search mine in turn.

 

“May I kiss you?”

 

My eyes flutter shut, and before I know it, I’m already leaning forward into his space. “Yes,” I breathe. “Please.”

 

With anyone else, I would have been appalled at how out of breath I sound and the desperation that tinged my voice, but it’s _Percy._ Percy Newton is asking to kiss me, and I am not capable of anything _but_ desperation.

 

When his lips meet mine, I almost cry in relief. His tongue snakes its way into my mouth and I wonder who he practiced this on or whether he was just born an excellent kisser. Probably the latter.

 

I’m practically climbing on top of him, my entire being so full of love, rushing through me in waves, uncontrolled and overflowing.

 

We part, and there’s a single strand of spit connected between us, and I should be embarrassed, but it’s _Percy_. Percy Newton just kissed me, and I fear every sensation in my life will pale in comparison to this.

 

I snuggle closer into his body, resting my head in the crook of his neck. I smile against his skin, and I let his warmth wash over me. “I’m not dreaming am I?” I know I’m not, but it cracks a laugh out him and I grin.

 

“If it is, please don’t wake up. It just got good.”

 

I snort. “I love you,” I sigh, my arms wrapping around him as I say it. I want to hold him to me forever, and I squeeze a little tighter with that sentiment.

 

“I love you,” he echoes, and then I repeat it back till we are stuck in an endless cycle of _I love you’_ s.

 

We break off, laughing. Percy pulls the blanket over the both of us and I settle in once again against him. “I’m serious, is this real?”

 

“Didn’t know I was that dreamy.” I can hear the playfulness in his voice, and the truth behind the statement.

 

“Yes,” I declare, with as much seriousness I can muster. “Percy…I…” I pause, unsure of whether this night can survive even more of my vulnerability. “I never, _ever_ , thought you’d feel the same way.” I look at him like I’m looking at him for the first time. His hair is a bit disheveled from my fingers running through it, but his eyes are bright and clear, and I take a breath, knowing it’s Percy, and I can tell him anything.

 

“You’re too good for me.”

 

Percy grabs my wrists, and just the feel of his hands on me is enough to pull my pulse down.

 

“Monty listen to me. Yes, you’ve done some less than holy things, but that doesn’t make you a bad person. You are not your mistakes, and I won’t sit idly by and let you think that.”

 

I think of Felicity. _You’re getting better and that isn’t nothing._

 

Here are people who love me, despite the stains upon my being, despite my tendencies to stay in a drunken stupor everytime the slightest thing goes wrong or someone looks at me the wrong way, despite how _broken_ I feel wanting things I could never have. It started with Father. It always started with Father.

 

My lower lip trembles, threatening to cry again. “I don’t deserve you.”

 

Percy softens, wrapping my body into his. It feels warm and safe here, tucked into his side, in a way I have never felt warm or safe before.  

 

“Oh Darling, that’s where you’re wrong.”

 

I fall silent, letting him stroke my hair and rub soothing circles into the small of my back. I feel exhausted after the emotional turmoil I have just put myself through.

 

“You best be here in the morning,” I mumble into his skin, and I feel his chest rumble with laughter.

 

Percy presses a kiss my forehead. “Promise.”

 

I pull his arm tighter over my waist, burrowing my way closer to him, which isn’t possible considering how tightly we’re pressed together.

 

I’m halfway between the waking world and the next, and I’m not sure if he’s conscious either now, but I whisper a soft “I’m sorry” for how difficult I’ve been these past few years, and how positively daft I was at noticing his affection for me. I’m sorry he had to watch me sleep around with ladies and lads alike, all the while loving me from a distance. I’m sorry he couldn’t trust me enough with his epilepsy to tell me. I’m sorry I’m selfish and vapid and I’m sorry for all the selfish and vapid things I’ve done.

 

I slowly let sleep creep up on me, tired of thinking of all the ways I qualify as a terrible person.

 

I’m not sure if I imagined it, or my wishful thinking had manifested into a fabricated memory, but I hear him whisper back.

 

“Don’t. You deserve the world.”

 

I fall asleep enveloped in Percy like that, a content feeling settling in me. As if the massive boulder Father had thrown into me had finally stopped rippling and drowning every other part of my life.

 

I dream of my future with Percy, one where he doesn’t leave for Holland and I never take up the estate. And for the first time in my life, my imagination doesn’t seem as far from reality.

**Author's Note:**

> K so idk if im happy with this but I really just wanna get this out there cuz it's been sitting in my files for almost two months and I JUST WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY GOSH. Also, this fandom is in desperate need for content and I'm sorry I'm providing with my trash. no, but really I kind of accidentally started reading the entire novel again when looking through it for this fic and my heart just kinda dies every line I fucking love mutual pining. K thx for reading <3  
> Tumblr: @bornobsession


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